I just finished my second book for the month, "Uninvited." I started the book a couple of months ago and didn't like it at all! A fellow friend was reading the book and loved it so I thought I would pick it up again.... It didn't take me long at all to find out why I didn't like it! It hit my heart directly! Lets just say by the last chapter I was crying... through the entire thing!
I shared with Ryan Sunday morning the effect the book had on me. I reminded him of events that took place in my life (we've been together for 16 years so he has been present for most of them). Events that I hadn't even thought about in years came to the surface. Ryan (processing) said nothing... Feeling like a complete crazed person I called a dear friend and shared with her my dilemma!
So much of my life I've been trying to prove people wrong. Wow to see that typed out! I wish I could delete those words, but I can't! This book revealed to me how much weight people's negative words and thoughts have on me! I hear way more positive than negative, but those negative words stick like glue!
One example, I shared with Ryan--- My senior year of high school I wanted to go to SIUE! I knew that is where God wanted me and I was going! I was the average student. I was horrible at standardized test, but I tried! I sat in the guidance counselor's office excited about college and the next stage in my life. When I heard the words, "You won't make it into SIUE and if you do you won't last" hit me like a ton of bricks. "The only way you'll get in to SIUE is if I call." Those words stuck like glue and I was determined to prove them wrong! I'm not going to cloat in my successes at SIUE because honestly without the help God sent my way I wouldn't have done as well as I did. My dear Angella read almost every paper I wrote and taught me how to navigate the world of grammar, my dear Jamie and I spent hours making flash cards for tests! I studied, asked for help, and grew.
The drive to prove that I was enough consumed me! Unfortunately, 90% of the time I would end up hurt. It became a vicious cycle of crazy-proving I was a good mom, proving I was a good friend, proving I was a good wife, proving I was a good Christian, proving I was enough! It saddens me that we live in a world that judging others and beating ourselves up is the norm! It's the norm to feel like we don't measure up..., but what are we even measuring? Who is the one measuring? What matters and what doesn't?
After our conversation Sunday morning we never talked about it again... Until he sent me this text message today- "So I've been thinking a lot about what you said Sunday morning. You said that you've spent much time proving to people that your a good person, capable of reaching any goals, and just worthy of acceptance. I believe that God stripped everything down around you to a small confined space to show you that Lindsay Lash is ENOUGH just the way you are. Then God said, "I'm going to show you how your enough." I will speak my words through you and you will share them without seeing or being with anyone. Just you alone are enough. I've created you!" ~Ryan
After reading the text tears fell. I know to some I'm not good enough, BUT I'm tired of proving myself! I'm not perfect, but honestly I don't want to be! What I want is to be the best version of me! The me that is good enough for God!
Challenge of the week: Write "I'm Enough" on a post-it and place in your car❤️